Rebirth and Second Chances 51 Dead Again

There was no flashback. No panorama of events or memories to allow me to reflect on the brief time I had existed as Sidhe. Time had a function and heft. I could feel its passage as I waited.

Uncertain.

I found myself in a world devoid of color, but not light. A world layered in shades of gray; a world devoid of warmth. Sterile and austere. Lost in limbo. At least how I imagined Limbo would appear.

The landscape was vast, but uniform, a landscape devoid of life. No Sun or Moon. No trees or plants. An emptiness that leeched emotion as well as will.

Unending.

Time existed but had no meaning in this place. There was no way to track the passage of minutes or hours let alone days. It was constant.

Inexorable.

Like my last death, it did give me time to reflect. Not so much about what had just happened, more about what would happen next. I was supposed to have a respawn, but in this place, my status screen and skills were out of reach.

I could feel the mental pathways I'd formed linking my thoughts to System. I knew that on some fundamental level the menus were still there, and I should be able to open them. But they refused to respond to my mental entreaties.

Frantically, I attempted to contact Caraid, but communication with him that had been denied me was still in effect. I hadn't been able to speak with him since I'd been given the Huntsman's Choice.

My inability to open my Status menu, or chat with Caraid left me with few options. Only the monotony of introspection left me with nothing else to do but engage in self-reflection. As I thought back over the past few weeks, I tried to be honest with myself; I hoped to identify my mistakes, learn where I'd gone wrong, and determine what I could have done differently.

No matter how many times I examined my actions, I kept coming to the same conclusion. While my decisions and actions may have been based on naivety and hubris, they hadn't been intrinsic in the events that occurred or how I had died.

Certainly, I'd been arrogant. I recognized there were times I'd acted as if I were the Chosen One. A representative of SYSTEM, set in motion to right wrongs, and lead the Sidhe to a new era of prosperity, saving them from themselves, and freeing them from the systemic oppression that was inherent in a government based on Monarchy.

I'd thought my Mid-western American values and my belief in democracy as an ideal form of government was the ideal that all rational thinking individuals should strive for. I believed that my transmigration allowed me a depth of knowledge and experience that would allow me to act as an agent of change.

I equated my new life with a mandate. I had been anointed by the SYSTEM sent to Talahm to right all wrongs, root out all villains, and single-handedly dismantle the Machiavellian machinations of Gods.

I snorted in contempt, realizing that I had scoffed and belittled the hubris of Zeus and the other Olympians, even as I was engaged in that same hubris.

The Sidhe had been around for untold millions of years before SYSTEM integrated me into their world. Before humanity even walked upright on Earth. They existed.

They had staved off some of the most powerful Pantheon of Gods in the multiverse, survived wars, created civilizations and governments that stood the test of time, and discovered magics and sciences that put those found on Earth to shame.

Portal technology.

A network of interplanetary teleportation.

Gods so powerful that they were forced into Sleep in order to stave off Ragnarok.

The peoples of Earth could barely leave their planet. And still, I thought I knew what was best for these people. SYSTEM had even directly told me what I should do when I'd left the ascension chamber. It had generated a quest, my very first quest. To travel and meet the Monarchies of both factions in the Capital. The quest had been to present myself as Prince to the reigning Monarchies, not to overthrow the government.

The question now, wasn't how I had acted but why?

I freely admitted that hubris played a large part in my actions, still, I didn't think that was the only underlying motivation. The cause, certainly, but why did I believe the Sidhe needed rescuing from themselves? Why was I so quick to completely ignore the strengths the Sidhe demonstrated and focus solely on what I perceived as their weaknesses?
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Self-reflection devoid of emotion was cathartic and constructive. It allowed me to confront the truth of my actions and formulate a possible hypothesis for why I'd made the decisions I had.

I was scared.

My actions, my decisions all stemmed from that one central truth. I was allowing my memories of my past to dictate my future. And I was completely focusing on the bad memories and painful lessons I'd learned. I expected something to go wrong.

I knew from experience that I could not trust others. I had been conditioned to isolate myself, to interact with others only warily. I had been taught that others could not be trusted, and to protect myself I should only rely on myself.

Lord Kel had reinforced that belief. His treatment of Caraid demonstrated that for him, principles and honor were flexible. He'd owed Caraid protection. And he'd failed. Allowing his son to bully, until Thom's attempt to murder Caraid was inevitable.

Encouraging his son to believe that his actions were justified and entitled.

Looking back, every decision I'd made was based on fear. Fear of death. Fear of betrayal. And possibly the largest fear of all, the fear of irrelevance. I'd been sidelined, ignored, marginalized, and dismissed in my previous life. I'd forgotten the lesson I'd learned when I'd died and was able to reflect on my life.

In the end, you remember the joy and laughter you share with others.

This life.

With the advantages SYSTEM had given me, I was still entrenched in fear. Even with all the skills and spells, that I had. With the advantages that my Rank and Level afforded. I was afraid that I would still be irrelevant, that I wouldn't make a real difference. If that were the case, if in this life, with the head start, I was given, I failed, if I was relegated to and lived a life of irrelevance and no meaning, then it would mean that my life and my fate was entirely my fault.

I had spent too much of my previous life blaming others and my circumstances on the exigencies of fate.

If this was true, if my actions were instrumental in defining my fate, then I would never be able to hide behind the excuse that I had been cheated of opportunity. And if that was the case, if I was as irrelevant and invisible even after the SYSTEM advantages, then wouldn't that mean that I deserved my fate?

My actions and reactions may be influenced by others, but in the end, I choose. If this was true, and I messed up. If I failed. My weakness. My lack of character and perseverance would be the cause.

And that thought was terrifying.

"That's a start," a voice thundered, shattering the silence.

Chapter end