Losing Control

Goddammit, it just wouldn’t budge.
I released an annoyed grunt, utterly frustrated at making absolutely no progress in the last two days. Two days had already passed since my spar with Nathan, which ended with him hounding me there, refusing to let me leave before I answered his questions about the subtle changes in my fighting style.
For Nathan, the shift in my movements had been jarring, and sparring against me further ignited a strange, eager glint in his eyes as he kept demanding another round with gleaming intensity.
He truly had been a battle maniac, and the only reason I had been able to win to begin with was due to the conditions. The fact that we had a close-quarters spar when he used a longsword and the fact that he didn’t even use his affinity, something that he had basically built his entire fighting style around, had indeed put him at a disadvantage.
I hadn't thought about it before, but the changes had been apparent. I had merged my own way of fighting with Yun’s to create something entirely different, and he had noticed it too. For now, I had deflected his probing questions by giving the excuse that it was related to my affinity.
The foundations for the art I was trying to create were still unsteady, yet I could feel it, all the knowledge about the sword that I had picked up from Yun, if I could utilise it and polish it further, then I could come up with something entirely new. But I knew it was too soon for that; I knew I needed more experience, more time with the blade to grasp it.
Since then, I had been desperately trying to understand how to create darkness, trying to focus on the cue he had given me, to try and think of ways of how to create darkness, but no matter what I attempted, it refused to manifest.
I’d even mimicked the method those with shadow affinity used to form their nexus, by enveloping their cores with pulse like a blanket rather than focusing on expansion or contraction. I tried that too, yet it failed spectacularly.
Rolling my tense shoulders, aching from hours spent sitting rigidly in the training room, I closed my eyes once more with slight annoyance.
I already knew it was up to me to figure out how my ability worked, for darkness, or for any unique affinity. In fact, it was up to the wielder to figure things out in his own accord.
I tried to feel the pulse humming inside me, waiting to be utilised as it churned around my core. Yet when I tried moving it, breaking it, or enveloping it, it remained stubbornly inert. Finally, when I was about to give up for the day, to give time to thinking things more thoroughly, I heard it, my own voice within me.
‘You have been having trouble, I suppose.’
My eyes snapped open at the voice ringing through my mind.
That fucking bastard, he’s back.
There he was, sitting cross-legged before me, watching me with amusement. The same subtle smirk tugged at the corner of his lips as he looked down on me.
‘Please, I really don’t have time for your bullshit, so spare me,’ I snapped, my annoyance palpable.
He feigned a shocked, hurt expression. ‘You are hurting me, you know…’
Seeing my glare, he finally relented. ‘Fine. I am here to help you. The least you could do is show some appreciation.’
‘Help me? How?’ I demanded.
His smile widened, twisting into relish. ‘I can’t help you too much, you know. But maybe, if you say please, I could offer a tip.’
This bastard. Every word of his somehow manages to grate on my nerves.
‘You know what? You can fuck off!’ I nearly shouted, closing my eyes and wrenching my focus back to my core.
‘You are doing it wrong, you know.’
‘Tell me something I don’t know! If you’re actually here to help rather than annoy me, then help!’
He sighed, a sound like exasperated wind in my mind. ‘I never knew I was so hard to deal with…’
After a pause, he continued, ‘That’s not how darkness works.’
I opened my eyes, waiting for elaboration.
‘Darkness cannot simply be created by flux. For it to exist, there simply needs to be… nothing.’
His words were cryptic, yet for a moment I let them sink. I tried deliberating on it for loner before the idea finally struck like lightning.
Darkness. He was right. It could only exist where there was absence, where light was entirely absent, a void. But how could my core form a void when it brimmed with pulse?
Did that mean I had to expel all the pulse?
No, that couldn’t be it. The core’s purpose was to convert pulse into nexus. And to form nexus, you simply needed pulse; there was no way around it.
But to form darkness…
I fucking see it. I needed the core to consume the pulse, not adjust it like other affinities. To absorb it completely. Only then could I create a situation of nothingness inside it and at the same time utilise the pulse as well.
The more I tried to focus on this idea, the more it made sense to me, all pieces finally clicking into their places.
My eyes widened as euphoric realisation flooded through me.
‘Thank you so much for your help! Oh, no problem, I am here for you, so don’t worry about it,’ he muttered, acting out a one-sided conversation, even pouting.
Like I’d ever thank you.
But how to make the core consume the pulse? I reached inward, letting the familiar symphony of energy ground me. To devour something entirely, to snuff out the pulse within… Should I compress the core?
No, that was for frost affinity. To consume it, I needed to let the core absorb the pulse until it was utterly depleted.
I focused on my core, imagining it devouring what lay within. Almost trying to feel the same sensation that came when you ate food after being hungry for a long time.
It seemed to react instantly. The previous pulse that seemed to always remain outside my reach now seemed to glimmer faintly as a deep, gnawing chill spread through my abdomen, something primal and hungry, devouring the energy in its path.
I could feel it now, a subtle coldness emanating from the core as the pulse seemed to recoil, fleeing an unseen predator. The core persisted, the chill intensifying as it fed ravenously on the pulse, closing its jaws around it. The pulse continued to trickle out, lightening the core at the same time as the core continued to suck it in.
The pulse diminished, emaciated in quantity, until the swirling sensation vanished entirely. All pulse within me was snuffed out, replaced by an eerie hollowness. It felt like carrying a bottomless pit inside me. The weight of existence within my torso lessened unnervingly, leaving only a profound cold. Yet, I could feel something else, something tangible rising from the emptiness.
It flowed like a broken dam, chilling and alien, a stark departure from controlled swirling pulse. Whatever this force touched seemed to grow weirdly cold, which didn’t seem to resonate due to the temperature, but something else entirely. It persisted, coiling until it enveloped my core completely. Pure darkness, obedient and waiting for my command.
‘You did it…’ he murmured, sounding genuinely confused, as if this outcome was not supposed to have happened, his eyes scanning my figure, lost in curiosity and something more that I couldn’t quite place.
A grin spread across my face. I tugged at the new sensation, gently coaxing the darkness to move, to leak from the core that bound it.
‘Hey, hey now, patience is a virtue, you know? You should stop for now.’
His words, however, barely registered in my mind. I was utterly consumed by the ethereal force within me. The darkness heeded my call, swirling around my core and seeping through its boundaries. A sudden, pervasive cold seized my body as I let it flow freely. It was almost like I had gained a third clumsy, unfamiliar limb.
I stretched my arm forward, willing the darkness to gather slowly in my palm. Instead, it surged out wildly, an unstoppable tide.
‘Stop! You need to stop it now!’ The inner voice screamed. His projected figure shot to its feet, all playfulness gone, replaced by urgent seriousness.
I realised my reckless haste, but it was too late. I barely understood this power, yet I’d rushed headlong.
The darkness erupted within me, a black tide devouring me from the inside. My heartbeat slowed to a crawl. Frosted breath plumed from my lips. I desperately tried to rein it in, but it was futile. The darkness rampaged through my body, coiling through my insides, twisting itself through my body as its intensity grew by the second.
I saw it then, wisps of liquid darkness leaking from my skin like invasive vines, tendrils of pure void slithering uncontrollably around me.
Fuck me.
‘Shit…Hey, relax… Don’t try to fight it.’
The cold intensified, driving me to my knees. The tendrils continued to thicken around me, pulsing like a grotesque, light-devouring tree. Merely glimpsing its depth filled me with icy dread. I coughed violently, collapsing to the floor as the darkness writhed.
My senses seemed to strain weirdly as they seemed to stop functioning entirely, any and all feeling within my body being snuffed out by the sudden cold.
Then I heard it, the training room door blasting open. My father’s burly frame filled the corner of my blurring vision. Sensation fled, overtaken by all-consuming cold.
Yun stared at me, eyes wide with disbelief, mouthing silent words that failed to register in my mind, lost in the turmoil.
The last thing I registered was Father and Lyra rushing toward me, their forms passing straight through Yun’s dissipating figure as if he were smoke. The darkness tightened its hold, and my vision surrendered completely to its cold, eternal embrace.

Chapter end