Julius Caesar Chapter 21

Another A/N: ""Psst . . . this chapter contains suicidal thoughts . So if you don't feel comfortable reading it, I've already kept '°' to mark where you should start skipping and when you should continue reading :)""

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<▪▪Grey▪▪>

The colour of the skies never changed these days .

It was invariably a mundane, teasing shade of grey . And when the skies felt bored, they shed its grey away, as molten, abusing pellets, only to be replaced by a darker, consuming grey . It seemed to get gradually darker . It seemed to only change in its greyness . It only seemed to get darker and darker .

Just like my days .

They all passed looking alike . Nothing new . All I did was wake up, ask Sam if there are any improvements, act like I was a normal person for the rest of the day, mourn a bit and then go back to sleep, recharging myself for another grey day .

The inefficiency of what I was doing frustrated me for a long time, but all I could do was give it time and be 'patient' .

Sometimes I'd even hear voices in my head, screaming at me to just give everything up and return as a slave under Father's boots . It would be tempting at times too . Just give up . Live my life as I was destined to live it . Alone . Weak . Broken . It'd all pass . We'd all be dead one day anyway . What was the bloody point?

But I would see Samantha in the park . And my heart would pause, perhaps to capture this very moment and store it away in a place so deep . A place I daren't allow myself to peek in . I would watch her quietly, but never really approach her . Not anymore . She seemed like she was already in so much trouble . Associating her with me would bring her nothing but more trouble . So I decided to keep my distance . I'd watch her hair flutter, revealing her earphones as her feet tapped the ground quickly or slowly, depending on what she was listening to, I thought . She looked peaceful, so I let her be as I smoked a cigarette or two .

She was blind, yet unyielding . She had lost her father, yet she wanted revenge on whoever killed him despite her blindness . So did I -a fully capable being- really had the right to give up?

No . I didn't think so really .

Weeks passed and I never talked to Samantha . I would simply watch her, get enough of her strength and leave . Repeat .

She never called either and I wondered if she felt like I wasn't the right type to associate with . And to be honest, that'd be for the best .

But there was always this part of me that wanted to forget all about the atrocity I'd been through and simply go and sit next to her . Talk to her . Make her laugh . Be the normal person, I knew I couldn't afford to be . I wanted to forget that being normal was impossible for me .

It was not that easy .

I was sitting on a bench, three benches away from Samantha as I played with an 8×8 Rubik's cube I bought two weeks before . It kept me distracted and somehow improved my concentration . Because I couldn't let my thoughts consume me . Because I knew they would once I solved the cube and Samantha left .

Because that was what happened every day and it was getting worse . My grey was not withering away . My, it was darkening . And today, I felt like it couldn't get darker .

My breath hitched when Samantha got up and left . Somehow, her being in the park gave me a sense of safety . It was like I wasn't alone .

So I relaxed back on the bench and watched her leave relentlessly without any expression . I decided that if I were to be most efficient, my emotions and whatever remained from my humanity, had to be suppressed . I had to shut everything off . And I almost won this war . I almost won it, if it weren't for the utter grief that managed to seep from under the viscous darkness of my soul .

Blimey, sometimes it seeped from my eyelids, uncontrollably .

So minutes ticked into hours before I decided to leave to the new hotel we've moved into . I decided that we couldn't stay in the same place for too long . That wouldn't be wise . I got into the suite and noticed that Sam and Ben were discussing something over a big book sitting in front of them . I ignored them and got into my room . I was exhausted and mostly disappointed in myself .

°I sat on my bed and reached for my gun under my pillow . I held it in my hand for a long while .

I then held it to my forehead .

I held it there and closed my eyes and thought that, yes, maybe that was the right choice . Not returning to Father . Not waiting here forever . No . Just dying . That might just be it . I took a deep breath and counted to fifty in my head .

Did I really want to do this? After finally having a hand over my father? Was I really going to leave it all behind for him to continue building his empire? Was I going to just leave him at it just like that?

I opened my eyes and squeezed them shut again as my forehead throbbed . I remembered Audrey and the baby I would've had . I remembered the people I killed . Twenty . I remembered my dead mother and I held the pistol tighter as I clenched my jaws .

I opened my eyes and more grief spilt inevitably . The silence around me was deafening . For once, I hated it .

I felt lonely and pathetic . Pathetic people don't live . It was simply natural selection . Charles Darwin's* theory . Being pathetic was certainly a selective disadvantage .

I held the gun tighter thinking of all the things I could've done, the person I could've been if it weren't for the weakness I had for my father . If I had chosen differently . Correctly .

So many opportunities I had had before to kill him . So many wasted times . We lived in the same house . I could've sneaked up on him and killed him in his sleep . But I didn't . I couldn't . Something was always holding me back . I didn't know what . And it was driving me insane .

It was times like this when I felt that the whole world was against me . Times when I knew my weaknesses but was doing nothing to eliminate them . I let them swallow me whole . It was precisely those times when I was suffocating from my sins and how unfair this life had been for me . Those times were times when I wanted to just end it all . When I'd had enough . When I'd no more reason to breathe . When I'd got no one to care . When I was alone in a world packed with people who could help, yet really can't . Those were the times when I felt that I was so detached .

Like I was brought to the world, just to be forgotten .

You are forgotten . If you died? No one would remember a monster like you . Someone who brought such atrocity to the world . Let's face it- you were never worth it . After all, you are a murderer . A murderer . People feared you and were hurt by your actions; thus you're not worth their help or care .

My thoughts . Those were my thoughts . This was how they hunted me down .

I closed my eyes again, feeling anger rise within me . It was that anger that had kept me alive, I guess . Anger against my father that kept me running looking for revenge . For Audrey and my baby . For mom . Anger was so long my fuel . But it got scary . It was exhausting .

Anger as a motivation was killing me .

Anger against myself was always there . It was there to taunt me and remind me of all my imperfections . It was there and was strong enough to allow me to hold a gun right in front of my own forehead, daring my brain to fire the right impulse across the right synapse to just end me .

Anger against myself was always there . It was there to taunt me and remind me of all my imperfections . It was there and was strong enough to allow me to hold a gun right in front of my own forehead, daring my brain to fire the right impulse across the right synapse to just end me .

But die without taking Audrey's revenge?

I thought about it and worked my jaws as my chest heaved up and down with every breath I took . She wouldn't be honoured, would she? She wouldn't be at peace when she rested in the Earth's heart in her eternal sleep, would she be? I opened my eyes and focused them on the gun's tip, feeling my heart shatter again as tears filled my eyes to the brim .

°I closed my eyes and slowly lowered my gun . I looked up and took in a deep breath . I couldn't be that weak . I couldn't be . I'm a strong man . I had to face it and suck it up . Just suck it up . Like I always did . Like I was taught to do .

I dropped the gun on the floor and laid on my back exhaustedly . I rubbed my face and reached for my phone . I was about to dial Samantha's number before I angrily chucked the phone on the floor too . I had to stop being selfish .

I was about to get up when the door was slammed open and Augustus ambled in with a grin on his face . I sat up immediately and managed a pathetic lopsided smile .

"What brings you now?" I asked him curiously with a heavy sigh as he chucked in my way a hamburger and a soda can . I caught them and raised my eyebrows . I didn't remember the last time I've eaten .

"You look like absolute shit, my friend," is what he said and I smirked, examining him . He was tall, clad in black combat boots, army-green cargo pants, a simple black shirt, and a coal-black coat . His platinum-blond hair fell over his face, obscuring a few his eyes .

On point .

I sighed, opened the soda can and gulped it down .

Augustus looked at me with his piercing, blue eyes . "Anything new?" He asked leaning against a wall and drinking his soda .

I shook my head and he nodded slowly . I was about to say something when Sam walked into the room with worry, etched on her face . Augustus pushed himself off the wall and I sat up straighter .

"Good you're here . " She breathed urgently and I raised my eyebrows . "That man-" she said slowly . "-he answered . "

I got up and walked toward her feeling suddenly motivated . "And-?"

"He said," she looked down, glanced at Augustus and then looked back at me . "-he said they were never 'enemies' with your company . In fact, he said-" she paused . "-he said that they're on very good terms with it . "

Silence followed . I stared hard at her, processing what she said . What kind of game were they playing?

"Bloody hell-" was what Augustus blurted after a short while .

"But that makes absolutely no sense," I said irritably as I started pacing around . "Why would your father steal those documents if our companies were 'besties'? Nonsense! Hell, he got killed for them-"

"What? What are you saying?" Sam interrupted .

"What what?!" I said angrily, stopping at my place and openly glaring at her .

"What what?!" I said angrily, stopping at my place and openly glaring at her .

"Romeo, mate, something's terribly wrong-" Augustus started, but my anger was already unleashed .

"What could be more terribly wrong than what's happening?!" I sneered .

"Who told you her father died man?" he said and I gaped at him like he was crazy .

"What do you mean?" I said impatiently . "I know he's dead!"

I killed him . With my hands! I heard his head crack under my gun's smack!

"But my father isn't dead, Romeo . Not at all," was what Sam said .

"What do you mean he isn't dead? Then whom, in the name of fuckery, were you mourning when I first met you?!" I snapped sharply approaching her dangerously until my face was a few inches from hers .

She looked into my eyes shocked as her eyes watered . "My-My uncle, Romeo . My uncle-" She then turned to leave, but my quick reflexes snatched her arm to turn her back to me .

"You aren't going anywhere until you bloody explain what the hell you just said," I said in a low, harsh whisper and she looked at me terrified . Tears filled her eyes to the brim and I frowned .

I loosened my grip on her before letting her go . She stared at me as I shuffled in my place not knowing what to do . How to bloody react!

So I took a deep breath, rubbed my temples and looked at her . "Are you saying your father's still alive?" I asked still shocked .

Did that mean that I didn't really kill the man back then?

"Why wouldn't he be?" She asked, biting her lips .

I looked at her trying to put the pieces together . "Was-Wasn't he attacked?" I said suddenly perplexed .

"No . It was my uncle . He was shot in the head while he was driving back home-" she said slowly and I stared at her, my mouth wide open and my brain flipped over .

"Your father-"

"He's a known businessman, but my uncle was his enemy . My dad killed him-" She said shutting her eyes as if in pain . "That just adds to the list of reasons why I hate, Dad . "

I looked into her watery eyes then at Augustus who was eating his burger and watching us intently .

"But how come it never came up? When I told you to ask your father's friends . . . You never said you could ask your father, you never told me he was alive!" I pressed, feeling perplexed and angry .

"I loathed my father, I just- I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him-"
"But how come it never came up? When I told you to ask your father's friends . . . You never said you could ask your father, you never told me he was alive!" I pressed, feeling perplexed and angry .

"I loathed my father, I just- I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him-"

"But that was your life, Sam!" I snapped . "If I knew your father was alive, things would've been different, so bloody different . " I sneered at her, restraining myself from getting close to her . Because, hell, I'd kill her .

"Hey, mate, chill-" Augustus interrupted with his voice muffled- because of the food . He then took his time to swallow before speaking again . "I mean, what could be so different?"

I looked at him and for the first time considered this question . The most important question . I shook my head, glanced at Sam then back again at Augustus .

"This means I've been wasting my whole goddamned time . All that happened is a simple waste . Months passed and all for absolutely nothing-" I replied bitterly .

"But I'm working-" Sam uttered, but I gave her a look that shut her the hell up . I was angry at her, so angry, so so angry, because of one reason and one reason only .

"Because of your ambiguity and vagueness," I said breathlessly . "-I endangered your bloody life . For nothing . Would you fancy knowing why?" I asked rhetorically, glaring at her .

She merely nodded and I continued . "Because you aren't the girl I'm looking for . It is not you . Now, I know . But my enemy does not . And that makes all the bloody difference," I said calmly, looking in her eyes and not blinking once . "You will still remain his bloody target . For no reason . You might die when you are in no way involved in this . "

Augustus choked on the soda he was drinking as Sam gasped faintly . Augustus then looked at Sam .

"That's shitty, mate," Augustus said, wiping his hands on his pants and approaching me . "Main thing is: do you know the girl?"

I looked at him thoughtfully, then admitted . "No . I don't . Not a clue," I sighed, rubbing my eyes hopelessly .

"That's literally the worst case scenario," Augustus said sitting next to me as Sam shuffled to sit next to me on my bed on the other side . In other words, I was sandwiched between them .

She placed a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off, getting up . There was no time for theatrics and pity . This was ridiculously getting out of hand . I was heading out of the room when Sam's quivering voice spoke up .

"I'll leave, Romeo . I'm so sorry," was all she said and I stopped .

"Don't," was all I said, not even turning back as I continued making my way out of the hotel room .

The last thing I needed was having her dead because of this . Something she shouldn't have been part of .

For now? I really needed to think .

***

A/N: Well? Thoughts?

*Charles Darwin was an English naturalist whose scientific theory of evolution by natural selection became the foundation of modern evolutionary studies . Another A/N: Psst . this chapter contains suicidal thoughts . So if you dont feel comfortable reading it, Ive already kept ° to mark where you should start skipping and when you should continue reading :) *** <▪▪Grey▪▪> The colour of the skies never changed these days . It was invariably a mundane, teasing shade of grey . And when the skies felt bored, they shed its grey away, as molten, abusing pellets, only to be replaced by a darker, consuming grey . It seemed to get gradually darker . It seemed to only change in its greyness . It only seemed to get darker and darker . Just like my days . They all passed looking alike . Nothing new . All I did was wake up, ask Sam if there are any improvements, act like I was a normal person for the rest of the day, mourn a bit and then go back to sleep, recharging myself for another grey day . The inefficiency of what I was doing frustrated me for a long time, but all I could do was give it time and be patient . Sometimes Id even hear voices in my head, screaming at me to just give everything up and return as a slave under Fathers boots . It would be tempting at times too . Just give up . Live my life as I was destined to live it . Alone . Weak . Broken . Itd all pass . Wed all be dead one day anyway . What was the bloody point? But I would see Samantha in the park . And my heart would pause, perhaps to capture this very moment and store it away in a place so deep . A place I darent allow myself to peek in . I would watch her quietly, but never really approach her . Not anymore . She seemed like she was already in so much trouble . Associating her with me would bring her nothing but more trouble . So I decided to keep my distance . Id watch her hair flutter, revealing her earphones as her feet tapped the ground quickly or slowly, depending on what she was listening to, I thought . She looked peaceful, so I let her be as I smoked a cigarette or two . She was blind, yet unyielding . She had lost her father, yet she wanted revenge on whoever killed him despite her blindness . So did I -a fully capable being- really had the right to give up? No . I didnt think so really . Weeks passed and I never talked to Samantha . I would simply watch her, get enough of her strength and leave . Repeat . She never called either and I wondered if she felt like I wasnt the right type to associate with . And to be honest, thatd be for the best . But there was always this part of me that wanted to forget all about the atrocity Id been through and simply go and sit next to her . Talk to her . Make her laugh . Be the normal person, I knew I couldnt afford to be . I wanted to forget that being normal was impossible for me . It was not that easy . I was sitting on a bench, three benches away from Samantha as I played with an 8×8 Rubiks cube I bought two weeks before . It kept me distracted and somehow improved my concentration . Because I couldnt let my thoughts consume me . Because I knew they would once I solved the cube and Samantha left . Because that was what happened every day and it was getting worse . My grey was not withering away . My, it was darkening . And today, I felt like it couldnt get darker . My breath hitched when Samantha got up and left . Somehow, her being in the park gave me a sense of safety . It was like I wasnt alone . So I relaxed back on the bench and watched her leave relentlessly without any expression . I decided that if I were to be most efficient, my emotions and whatever remained from my humanity, had to be suppressed . I had to shut everything off . And I almost won this war . I almost won it, if it werent for the utter grief that managed to seep from under the viscous darkness of my soul . Blimey, sometimes it seeped from my eyelids, uncontrollably . So minutes ticked into hours before I decided to leave to the new hotel weve moved into . I decided that we couldnt stay in the same place for too long . That wouldnt be wise . I got into the suite and noticed that Sam and Ben were discussing something over a big book sitting in front of them . I ignored them and got into my room . I was exhausted and mostly disappointed in myself . °I sat on my bed and reached for my gun under my pillow . I held it in my hand for a long while . I then held it to my forehead . I held it there and closed my eyes and thought that, yes, maybe that was the right choice . Not returning to Father . Not waiting here forever . No . Just dying . That might just be it . I took a deep breath and counted to fifty in my head . Did I really want to do this? After finally having a hand over my father? Was I really going to leave it all behind for him to continue building his empire? Was I going to just leave him at it just like that? I opened my eyes and squeezed them shut again as my forehead throbbed . I remembered Audrey and the baby I wouldve had . I remembered the people I killed . Twenty . I remembered my dead mother and I held the pistol tighter as I clenched my jaws . I opened my eyes and more grief spilt inevitably . The silence around me was deafening . For once, I hated it . I felt lonely and pathetic . Pathetic people dont live . It was simply natural selection . Charles Darwins* theory . Being pathetic was certainly a selective disadvantage . I held the gun tighter thinking of all the things I couldve done, the person I couldve been if it werent for the weakness I had for my father . If I had chosen differently . Correctly . So many opportunities I had had before to kill him . So many wasted times . We lived in the same house . I couldve sneaked up on him and killed him in his sleep . But I didnt . I couldnt . Something was always holding me back . I didnt know what . And it was driving me insane . It was times like this when I felt that the whole world was against me . Times when I knew my weaknesses but was doing nothing to eliminate them . I let them swallow me whole . It was precisely those times when I was suffocating from my sins and how unfair this life had been for me . Those times were times when I wanted to just end it all . When Id had enough . When Id no more reason to breathe . When Id got no one to care . When I was alone in a world packed with people who could help, yet really cant . Those were the times when I felt that I was so detached . Like I was brought to the world, just to be forgotten . You are forgotten . If you died? No one would remember a monster like you . Someone who brought such atrocity to the world . Lets face it- you were never worth it . After all, you are a murderer . A murderer . People feared you and were hurt by your actions; thus youre not worth their help or care . My thoughts . Those were my thoughts . This was how they hunted me down . I closed my eyes again, feeling anger rise within me . It was that anger that had kept me alive, I guess . Anger against my father that kept me running looking for revenge . For Audrey and my baby . For mom . Anger was so long my fuel . But it got scary . It was exhausting . Anger as a motivation was killing me . Anger against myself was always there . It was there to taunt me and remind me of all my imperfections . It was there and was strong enough to allow me to hold a gun right in front of my own forehead, daring my brain to fire the right impulse across the right synapse to just end me . But die without taking Audreys revenge? I thought about it and worked my jaws as my chest heaved up and down with every breath I took . She wouldnt be honoured, would she? She wouldnt be at peace when she rested in the Earths heart in her eternal sleep, would she be? I opened my eyes and focused them on the guns tip, feeling my heart shatter again as tears filled my eyes to the brim . °I closed my eyes and slowly lowered my gun . I looked up and took in a deep breath . I couldnt be that weak . I couldnt be . Im a strong man . I had to face it and suck it up . Just suck it up . Like I always did . Like I was taught to do . I dropped the gun on the floor and laid on my back exhaustedly . I rubbed my face and reached for my phone . I was about to dial Samanthas number before I angrily chucked the phone on the floor too . I had to stop being selfish . I was about to get up when the door was slammed open and Augustus ambled in with a grin on his face . I sat up immediately and managed a pathetic lopsided smile . What brings you now? I asked him curiously with a heavy sigh as he chucked in my way a hamburger and a soda can . I caught them and raised my eyebrows . I didnt remember the last time Ive eaten . You look like absolute shit, my friend, is what he said and I smirked, examining him . He was tall, clad in black combat boots, army-green cargo pants, a simple black shirt, and a coal-black coat . His platinum-blond hair fell over his face, obscuring a few his eyes . On point . I sighed, opened the soda can and gulped it down . Augustus looked at me with his piercing, blue eyes . Anything new? He asked leaning against a wall and drinking his soda . I shook my head and he nodded slowly . I was about to say something when Sam walked into the room with worry, etched on her face . Augustus pushed himself off the wall and I sat up straighter . Good youre here . She breathed urgently and I raised my eyebrows . That man- she said slowly . -he answered . I got up and walked toward her feeling suddenly motivated . And-? He said, she looked down, glanced at Augustus and then looked back at me . -he said they were never enemies with your company . In fact, he said- she paused . -he said that theyre on very good terms with it . Silence followed . I stared hard at her, processing what she said . What kind of game were they playing? Bloody hell- was what Augustus blurted after a short while . But that makes absolutely no sense, I said irritably as I started pacing around . Why would your father steal those documents if our companies were besties? Nonsense! Hell, he got killed for them- What? What are you saying? Sam interrupted . What what?! I said angrily, stopping at my place and openly glaring at her . Romeo, mate, somethings terribly wrong- Augustus started, but my anger was already unleashed . What could be more terribly wrong than whats happening?! I sneered . Who told you her father died man? he said and I gaped at him like he was crazy . What do you mean? I said impatiently . I know hes dead! I killed him . With my hands! I heard his head crack under my guns smack! But my father isnt dead, Romeo . Not at all, was what Sam said . What do you mean he isnt dead? Then whom, in the name of fuckery, were you mourning when I first met you?! I snapped sharply approaching her dangerously until my face was a few inches from hers . She looked into my eyes shocked as her eyes watered . My-My uncle, Romeo . My uncle- She then turned to leave, but my quick reflexes snatched her arm to turn her back to me . You arent going anywhere until you bloody explain what the hell you just said, I said in a low, harsh whisper and she looked at me terrified . Tears filled her eyes to the brim and I frowned . I loosened my grip on her before letting her go . She stared at me as I shuffled in my place not knowing what to do . How to bloody react! So I took a deep breath, rubbed my temples and looked at her . Are you saying your fathers still alive? I asked still shocked . Did that mean that I didnt really kill the man back then? Why wouldnt he be? She asked, biting her lips . I looked at her trying to put the pieces together . Was-Wasnt he attacked? I said suddenly perplexed . No . It was my uncle . He was shot in the head while he was driving back home- she said slowly and I stared at her, my mouth wide open and my brain flipped over . Your father- Hes a known businessman, but my uncle was his enemy . My dad killed him- She said shutting her eyes as if in pain . That just adds to the list of reasons why I hate, Dad . I looked into her watery eyes then at Augustus who was eating his burger and watching us intently . But how come it never came up? When I told you to ask your fathers friends . You never said you could ask your father, you never told me he was alive! I pressed, feeling perplexed and angry . I loathed my father, I just- I just couldnt bring myself to talk to him- But that was your life, Sam! I snapped . If I knew your father was alive, things wouldve been different, so bloody different . I sneered at her, restraining myself from getting close to her . Because, hell, Id kill her . Hey, mate, chill- Augustus interrupted with his voice muffled- because of the food . He then took his time to swallow before speaking again . I mean, what could be so different? I looked at him and for the first time considered this question . The most important question . I shook my head, glanced at Sam then back again at Augustus . This means Ive been wasting my whole goddamned time . All that happened is a simple waste . Months passed and all for absolutely nothing- I replied bitterly . But Im working- Sam uttered, but I gave her a look that shut her the hell up . I was angry at her, so angry, so so angry, because of one reason and one reason only . Because of your ambiguity and vagueness, I said breathlessly . -I endangered your bloody life . For nothing . Would you fancy knowing why? I asked rhetorically, glaring at her . She merely nodded and I continued . Because you arent the girl Im looking for . It is not you . Now, I know . But my enemy does not . And that makes all the bloody difference, I said calmly, looking in her eyes and not blinking once . You will still remain his bloody target . For no reason . You might die when you are in no way involved in this . Augustus choked on the soda he was drinking as Sam gasped faintly . Augustus then looked at Sam . Thats shitty, mate, Augustus said, wiping his hands on his pants and approaching me . Main thing is: do you know the girl? I looked at him thoughtfully, then admitted . No . I dont . Not a clue, I sighed, rubbing my eyes hopelessly . Thats literally the worst case scenario, Augustus said sitting next to me as Sam shuffled to sit next to me on my bed on the other side . In other words, I was sandwiched between them . She placed a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off, getting up . There was no time for theatrics and pity . This was ridiculously getting out of hand . I was heading out of the room when Sams quivering voice spoke up . Ill leave, Romeo . Im so sorry, was all she said and I stopped . Dont, was all I said, not even turning back as I continued making my way out of the hotel room . The last thing I needed was having her dead because of this . Something she shouldnt have been part of . For now? I really needed to think . *** A/N: Well? Thoughts? *Charles Darwin was an English naturalist whose scientific theory of evolution by natural selection became the foundation of modern evolutionary studies .

Chapter end