Chapter 207: Kakashi's Inner Turmoil (5k)
Chapter 207: Kakashi's Inner Turmoil (5k)
"We barely made it through yesterday's mission. Thanks to your support, Ryuken, or I would've been in real danger."
"Haha, we're teammates after all. I'm not like Kakashi, prioritizing the mission over my teammates."
"Speaking of Kakashi, I heard his team suffered heavy losses during a mission recently. Only the Jonin leader and he himself survived. What a tragedy."
"Being on a team with that guy really brings bad luck. It's a relief I left early, or our team might have faced the same fate."
As Kakashi made his way home after a tiring training session, he happened to cross paths with his former teammates, engaged in conversation.
Their chat caught his attention, abruptly interrupting his thoughts about breathing techniques.
Kakashi didn't go out of his way to hide his presence, and his ex-teammates immediately fell silent upon noticing him approaching.
"Ahem, Kakashi, good evening," one of them greeted, unsure if Kakashi had overheard their conversation. Kakashi, choosing to ignore it, offered a nod in response and continued on his way home.
"How awkward. I wonder if he heard us," one of them muttered.
"Whether he did or not, I doubt he has a high opinion of us anyway," the other replied.
With his keen hearing, Kakashi could still make out their faint voices even after walking a fair distance, but he no longer had the energy to pay them any mind.
Kakashi wasn't upset by his former teammates' gossip; if he got angry every time someone spoke ill of him, he would have been furious with the world after his father's suicide, feeling the weight of judgmental stares wherever he went.
Besides, they weren't wrong. For Kakashi, the mission always came first, even if it meant his teammates got hurt.
Ever since becoming Mu Yue's disciple, aside from the initial period, Kakashi rarely questioned what it meant to be a true ninja or whether the mission should always take precedence.
Under Mu Yue's tutelage, the training intensity was maxed out, either learning advanced jutsu like the pseudo-Purple Electricity or secret techniques like the Lightning Release: Armor of Lightning Attire. The rigorous training left little room for contemplation.
Moreover, having Obito on the team constantly tested his emotions, forcing Kakashi to divert the little remaining energy he had to dealing with their dynamic.
The words of his former teammates sent Kakashi spiraling back into contemplation about missions, ninjas, and teammates.
"My father was blamed and shamed for failing in his mission, so a true ninja must be one who can accomplish their tasks," Kakashi thought to himself.
But then he shook his head, remembering Mu Yue's words. White Fang had stayed true to his ninja way and was not a failure.
Although he hadn't known Mu Yue for long, Kakashi deeply admired her. It wasn't just because of her formidable strength, but also because she excelled as a teacher in every aspect, a stark contrast to all the other instructors he had encountered before.
Thus, Kakashi was willing to listen to and believe in Mu Yue.
A hint of confusion clouded Kakashi's eyes as he found himself torn between two conflicting beliefs: the established fact that his father had been shamed for his mission failure and led to his suicide, and the validation from a teacher he respected, who asserted that White Fang was, in fact, a ninja worthy of admiration.
Kakashi's thoughts carried him through dinner, and even at 11 p.m., he was still pondering, unable to reach a conclusion.
Lying in bed, Kakashi struggled to fall asleep. Despite his exhaustion, as soon as he closed his eyes, his mind would wander back to those thoughts, keeping him awake.
Eventually, he drifted off to sleep, unaware of the time. When he woke up and saw the bright sun outside, Kakashi realized he was late.
Rushing through his morning routine, he grabbed some food and hurried towards the Southern Forest.
When he arrived, the other disciples were already deep in their training. Obito and Itachi were running while using the All-Concentration Breath, their bodies glistening with sweat. Might Guy was practicing his Yin Release nature transformation, scratching his head in concentration. Next to Konohamaru, there were injured fish and broken trees, signs of her training.
As Obito ran by, he spotted the tardy Kakashi and called out, his face lighting up with a smile, "Well, well, if it isn't Kakashi. Running late today, are we? By two and a half hours, no less."
"Did you also go help the elderly?" Obito added, and with those words, he felt a surge of refreshment, as if his fatigue had lessened.
Usually, it was Obito who was late and on the receiving end of Kakashi's remarks, so this role reversal brought him a sense of satisfaction.
"Just slept in," Kakashi explained expressionlessly before making his way over to Mu Yue.
"Hmph, late and still acting all high and mighty," Obito grumbled, resuming his training.
"My apologies, Mu Yue-sensei," Kakashi said. "I didn't sleep well last night, so I ended up waking up late today."
"It's fine. Everyone's late now and then. Unexpected things happen. Just begin your training," Mu Yue said with a smile.
Kakashi nodded and, under Mu Yue's guidance, started practicing the Lightning Release: Armor of Lightning Attire.
Whether it was due to his lack of sleep the previous night or something else, Kakashi struggled to find his rhythm with the breathing technique that day. By the end of the morning session, he didn't feel he had made any progress, and the same was true for the afternoon, when they practiced the Armor of Lightning Attire.
He could blame the lack of progress on the late start in the morning, but in the afternoon, he truly felt lost in his training.
Usually, Mu Yue's instructions and demonstrations would automatically guide his practice, but today, his mind felt blank.
The Armed Domination was Yin Release, related to spiritual energy, and mental fortitude played a significant role in its cultivation; a disturbed mind would only hinder progress.
"I apologize, Teacher Mu Yue. My state of mind isn't ideal today. I'll try to adjust it by tomorrow," Kakashi said apologetically.
He felt a sense of guilt as Mu Yue instructed him diligently, yet he couldn't seem to focus his mind on his training.
"Do your best and remember to believe in yourself," Mu Yue said with a gentle smile.
"Thank you," Kakashi replied, feeling a sense of warmth and relief from Mu Yue's comforting presence.
Due to his tardiness and lack of progress in training that day, Kakashi decided to make up for it by practicing the breathing technique in his family's courtyard that evening.
However, his training remained unsuccessful, as he couldn't seem to find the right feeling.
At 10 p.m., Kakashi retired to his bed, hoping to get a good night's rest.
As soon as he lay down, his mind involuntarily wandered to the past—the accusations his father had faced, the disapproval of his teammates, and the words of Obito and Mu Yue.
His thoughts were in disarray, torn between the beliefs that a ninja must adhere to the rules and complete missions at all costs, even if it meant sacrificing comrades, and that the safety of teammates should always come first.
"Sleep... sleep..." Kakashi repeatedly murmured to himself, attempting to induce sleep by self-suggestion, a method he had heard could treat insomnia.
Whether the method was ineffective or Kakashi's mind was simply too restless, he remained awake. Glancing at the time, he realized it was already 2 a.m.
With a soft sigh, Kakashi tried once more to fall asleep.
"...Late again..."
The next morning, Kakashi woke to the bright sun, immediately aware that he had overslept yet again.
After a quick morning routine, he hurried toward the Southern Forest to begin his training.
"Kakashi, you're late again, this time by two and a half hours! Were you up all night training?" Obito asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion as he regarded Kakashi.
He found it hard to believe that Kakashi, usually punctual, could be late not once but twice, and by such large margins.
"No," Kakashi replied expressionlessly before walking over to Mu Yue to explain.
"My apologies, Teacher Mu Yue. I suffered from insomnia again last night," Kakashi confessed.
Mu Yue's eyes softened with concern. "Are you feeling unwell? What caused the sudden insomnia?"
"Thank you for your concern, Teacher. I'm physically well," Kakashi assured her, his heart warming at her kindness. "As for the insomnia, I've had a lot on my mind lately."
Mu Yue placed a comforting hand on Kakashi's shoulder. "Your health comes first. If there's anything troubling you, please feel free to talk to me. Don't hesitate to bother me with your problems; a teacher is always here for their students."
Kakashi nodded slightly, feeling a weight lift from his shoulders.
Perhaps due to the extra training the previous night, Kakashi made a little progress with the breathing technique that morning. However, in the afternoon, when they practiced the Armed Domination, he still couldn't find his rhythm.
After training ended that day, Kakashi bought an alarm clock, determined not to be late again.
That evening, Kakashi decided against any extra training. He finished his evening routine early and retired to bed at 8 p.m.
His reasoning was that if he slept at 11 p.m. and only managed to fall asleep after 3 a.m., then sleeping at 8 p.m. would mean he'd fall asleep at midnight, even if he tossed and turned for four hours.
However, as Kakashi lay in bed, he realized that he couldn't sleep even without thinking about his problems. His eyes kept opening and closing, his mind refusing to settle.
This time, Kakashi's thoughts didn't just revolve around the relationship between ninja missions; he also contemplated what he should do if Might Guy and Obito were in danger during their next mission—should he prioritize saving his teammates or continue with the mission?
Ding ding ding!
In his half-asleep state, Kakashi heard a crisp sound that startled him awake. Realizing it was time to head to Mu Yue for training, he quickly snapped out of his drowsiness, his eyes feeling sore from lack of sleep.
With his eyes still closed, Kakashi finished his morning routine and quickly ate breakfast before hurrying toward the Southern Forest for training.
This time, Kakashi wasn't late, and he wasn't the last one to arrive either.
"Hey, Kakashi, you're not late today," Obito remarked, a hint of surprise in his voice as he spotted Kakashi.
"Don't compare yourself to me," Kakashi retorted.
"I'm only late when I'm helping the elderly. I wouldn't be late because of sleeping in," Obito shot back.
Although Kakashi wasn't late this time, the lack of sleep the night before had taken a toll on his energy levels, affecting his training performance.
Mu Yue could tell that Kakashi's mood had taken a turn for the worse again.
She knew that Kakashi's issues hadn't been fully resolved; it was only because he had a few close friends here, along with her own supportive presence as a teacher, and the distraction of rigorous training, that his problems were being kept at bay.
Mu Yue could empathize with Kakashi. After all, White Fang had taken his own life when Kakashi was just seven years old.
It would be strange if a child that young, witnessing their admired father's suicide due to the shame he faced, didn't struggle with depression and seclusion.
"This calls for a strong remedy," Mu Yue thought to herself.
Kakashi's deep-seated issues wouldn't be easily healed with gentle methods; a single misplaced word could potentially send him spiraling again.
Mu Yue felt that only when Kakashi faced a life-or-death crisis, confronted his true inner thoughts, and experienced the warmth of human connection from his comrades, would he be able to truly heal, body and soul.
"Kakashi, why don't you come back with me, and I'll cook something to help you recover?" Mu Yue suggested.
Obito, seeing an opportunity for a free meal, chimed in, "Teacher Mu Yue, I'm not feeling too well myself. Maybe I could also..."
Smack!
Mu Yue's fingers found their mark on Obito's head, followed by a gentle ruffling of his hair as she said, "Just say you want to join us for dinner."
"I want to join you for dinner," Obito quickly replied, rubbing the spot where he was hit.
"Everyone is welcome to join," Mu Yue said, inviting all her disciples.
None of the disciples could refuse Mu Yue's cooking, and they all gladly accepted. However, aside from Kakashi and Itachi, the others had to return home to inform their families.
After the meal, Obito and Kakashi resumed their usual bickering. Obito teased Kakashi for being weak and unable to handle the training, while Kakashi retorted that Obito's brain must be rusting, finding it hard to believe that he scored below 20 on the theory test.
"Obito, if you're concerned, just be more direct," Hanabi interjected with a gentle smile, trying to smooth things over.
Hanabi turned to Kakashi and said, "Don't mind Obito. He actually cares about you. Yesterday, he even discussed with me if you might be sick, saying that even a genius like you wouldn't be late otherwise."
Kakashi's eyes widened in surprise. He couldn't believe that Obito would call him a genius, and he began to doubt the veracity of Hanabi's words.
Seeing that his secret concern had been revealed, Obito's face turned crimson, and he waved his hands in denial. "You must have misheard, Hanabi. I never said anything like that."
However, Kakashi's suspicion grew as he witnessed Obito's reaction.
"Bro, your passion lately hasn't been as fiery as before," Might Guy remarked with a serious expression.
Kakashi was at a loss for words and felt a sense of frustration with himself. How could he let something like this affect his regular training?
After everyone else had left, Mu Yue called out to Kakashi, "Why don't you stay at my place for the night? I have something I want to discuss with you."
Kakashi hesitated for a moment before eventually nodding in agreement.
"Kakashi, if you don't mind, I'd like you to share with me what's been troubling you lately. I may not be able to solve your problems, but talking about them might make you feel better." Mu Yue led Kakashi to the living room and asked gently.
Kakashi remained silent for a while before finally speaking up. "Teacher Mu Yue, do you truly believe that White Fang was a qualified ninja and not a failure?"
Kakashi stared intently into Mu Yue's eyes, seeking assurance of her answer's authenticity.
"No matter how many times you ask, my answer remains the same. White Fang was a qualified ninja who stayed true to his ninja way," Mu Yue affirmed, looking directly into Kakashi's eyes.
"Then why did he receive so much blame, even from the companion he saved?" Kakashi asked, his confusion evident.
The root of his dilemma lay in his inability to come to terms with his father's death.
"White Fang's ninja way conflicted with the village's rules," Mu Yue explained. "For the village, ensuring the success of missions and protecting its interests take priority. Ninjas who can accomplish tasks are valued.
But White Fang was different. He had his own beliefs, and to him, the lives of his teammates far outweighed any mission."
"The distinction between right and wrong is often subjective," Mu Yue continued. "What I or White Fang consider the right thing to do may be judged differently by others."
"Of course, the reason White Fang faced so much criticism wasn't just because of the failed mission. It was also because he was the famous White Fang of Konoha," Mu Yue added.
It wasn't a solo mission, so it was unfair to place all the blame on one person. White Fang just happened to be the most well-known ninja on that mission.
White Fang was too honest. If Mu Yue had been in his place, he would have spun the story to portray himself as the heroic ninja of Konoha who valiantly rescued his teammates despite the mission's failure.
"Does greater fame mean bearing the brunt of everyone's blame?" Kakashi found Mu Yue's answer too pragmatic and dark, and he struggled to accept it.
"Reality is often crueler than we imagine," Mu Yue said solemnly. "But don't dwell on it too much. I believe that even if White Fang had a chance to do it all over again, he would still choose to save his teammates and then do his best to complete the mission."
"The opinions of others are just that—their opinions. What matters is that you remain true to your own beliefs and convictions," Mu Yue advised.
Mu Yue didn't think that White Fang took his own life due to an inability to handle the criticism. Rather, he believed that White Fang's suicide was a result of his shattered convictions.
Kakashi had taken in a lot of information that day, and he expected another sleepless night. However, to his surprise, he slept soundly.
"Since it's usually just me living here, I only have one bed," Mu Yue said as she guided Kakashi to the bed. "Fortunately, you're still young, so I don't think you'll feel too cramped."
For the first time, Kakashi was sharing a bed with someone other than his family, and he felt an unexpected sense of peace.
"After all, it's Teacher Mu Yue," Kakashi thought to himself, and soon drifted off to sleep.
(End of Chapter)
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