Be My Strength 282 Press Conference 16

DX held onto the envelope for a long time. He was afraid of what he would find out from there. Up until now, his knowledge was mostly based on speculation and he could not guarantee that he would be able to remain completely calm once he affirmed it.

He stared at the envelope and for the longest time, he was just sitting there in the dark. The dark thoughts that he was having at the moment were bothering him.

As he twirled the envelope between his fingers, he tried to gather the mental strength that he would need for this.

It was almost 5 a.m. before he gathered enough strength and determination to open it. Despite the lack of sleep, he felt completely fine and he was even somewhat energetic.

With hands that trembled slightly, he opened the letter and took a deep breath before he began to read the letter. In the cursive style that DX recognized to be an uglier version of Kai Xin's current handwriting, it wrote -

"May 18, 2007.

Dear Diary,

Did you know that something which could be precious to one might be worthless to another?

I'm scared. Honestly, I don't know what to do or what to say to people, so I'm writing it here for you. At least, you'd make sure that if I'm gone one day...Someone would know why...

I went to school, as usual, today and it was a completely usual and average day...

Except that after school today, I was raped."

DX closed his eyes and took a deep breath after he read the last sentence. The rage within him was bubbling as it threatened to burst out of him. When he heard the rustling of bedsheets, he looked up and saw her moving around on the bed as she mumbled something inaudible. Quick as lightning, he hid the letter away.

Walking over, he checked on her before pulling the blanket up to keep her warm. When he was sure that she would continue to sleep, he quickly took the letter and snuck out of the room quietly.

He went to the in-house movie theatre. With the state of the art soundproof system, it was the safest place for him to be in right now.

As he sat on the seat that was personalized with his name, he read out the rest out the letter in his heart,

"I was supposed to go home with Kai An but he said that he has a date and told me to go back with Ki Hong. When the bus arrived, I realized that I left my phone back in the classroom and I told Ki Hong to go home first and that I would take the next bus home.

That was when I saw them in one of the classrooms...I don't know why I went there, but I did. Luo Yin. Ye Tian. Shangguan Xing. The Princes of Elite High...They are the most popular guys at school...I would never ever forget the stuff that they did to me. I've never felt so helpless before. When I realized what they wanted to do, I tried to run but they blocked the door and dragged me back.

When they pinned me down, I tried my best to fight back. I could still hear the sound of my clothes being ripped...I kicked and punched but it was useless. They are too strong and they hit me back. It hurt so badly...that I had to beg them to stop...I had to watch as they climbed on me and made my body theirs...It's my body but I couldn't do anything...

I just want to die there and then...Why am I so weak? Why can't I do anything against them? Why did God set me up for this? I hate it! I hate him! I hate all of them!

The images of them moving on top of me...in front of me...How do I get them out of my head? I can't stop seeing their smiles...Those smiles...The smell of their disgusting sweat...When Luo Yin forced himself into my mouth, the metallic taste of my blood on his...It was bad and I kept choking but he would not pull it out.

I tried to push him away but he threatened me with Kai An. If I don't do what he said, he would get someone to hurt him. I can't bear for him to be hurt. At first, I thought that I'd be fine. I tried to empty my mind and pretended that I was elsewhere, but it was impossible to completely detach myself.

I keep seeing the scene replaying in my head. I don't want to see it. I just want to forget about it...My body hurt so badly now... I'm not badly injured but it felt as if my bones were completely broken...I just want to sleep and never wake up...

I can't get them out of my head! I CAN'T! I can scrub the dirt off but I can't get them out of my head.

Dear diary, what should I do now? They took photos...and I think Ye Tian and Shangguan Xing recorded it as well...They said if I tell, they would make my family miserable... They said no one would ever believe my words...that I'm just a useless and powerless kid and that it wouldn't take them long to destroy my family...

I wanted to tell someone. I did! I tried to call my mum at work but she was too busy to pick up my call and Kai An told me that he was busy and not to bother him when I called...I don't know how to talk to them...I felt guilty as if I'm bothering them...I thought of Dad but I don't think he would pick up my calls...He doesn't like me anyway and I don't want to hear what he has to say about this...I don't think that I can handle it...

So, I went to the police station and when I told the policeman their names, he told me that it was wrong for me to make a false report. He told me that I must've led them on. Why would three young men with looks and money **** someone like me? They could have gotten any girl that they want. They don't have to force anyone. It must've been my fault. My skirt must've been too short or I must've done something that provoked them...I don't know how to answer him...Dear diary, is it my fault? Why do I feel so guilty about this?

He said that even if I were to do a report, people would never believe someone like me. I told him that my body is covered in bruises and there was dried blood on me, but he said that I could have caused the injury to myself. He asked if I did anything to seduce them. I said no, and I really didn't do anything to them!... But he didn't believe me...He said I must have done something. Boys like them would never do stuff like this.

I took a hot shower earlier. It was so hot that I felt as if my skin would melt off there and then...At the same time, it felt comforting...Mum told me before. Hot water removed stains faster than anything else...and that's what I wanted...I want the stain to be gone...I scrubbed my inner thigh for so long that it turned red and bled...but I don't feel clean. Can I ever wash the stain away?

Dear diary, am I at fault here? I don't know anymore...I wish I have someone to talk to but who can I talk to? I'm afraid...I'm afraid of those photos and videos...Would they make me do it again? Would they tell my friends? If I don't say anything, would they leave me alone?

Today is May 18, 2007, and it would be a day I would never forget because today I learned what it means to be completely and utterly alone..."

.....

DX's hands trembled as he finished reading the letter that was stained by old and new tears - his tears. He wanted to tear it apart as if that would make this seemed like nothing but a bad dream.

Yet, he did not. He carefully put the letter that Kai Xin must have painfully written back into the envelope. She had kept this for so many years and she should be the one to destroy it.

He stood up and placed the letter on the chair. All of a sudden, he found it hard to breathe - as if there was a heavy stone that was tied to his chest. Even though he had known that she was gang r*aped, but it did not make it easier for him to read the letter. Up until today, he did not know why she had never tell her family about it. They took evidence of it! They threatened her beloved family! They used her love against her! He wanted to scream out his frustration but he held himself back. His mouth would open but he would force it to close.

Pacing around the room, he tried to control his emotion but he could not do it. Tears continued to well up in his eyes even after he wiped them off. In the end, he gave up and allowed his anger to take over.

Seeing red, he proceeded to destroy everything in the room. He pulled out the cables and kicked the chairs until they broke down before throwing them at the large screen. He cared naught that hundreds of thousands worth of pieces of equipment were destroyed in his rampage.

The white bandages that were wrapped around his hand were soon covered with blood as the wound from earlier today was re-opened.

"ARGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!" yelled DX as he kicked another chair. In his fury, he could not feel the throbbing pain. All he could feel was the burning sensation in his heart that made him felt as if he was being suffocated.

After he was completely exhausted, he slumped down against the wall and after a few moments of silence, he stopped holding it in and hot tears started to trail down his cheeks. His Kara. The only woman he had ever loved was tortured by this memory. When he recalled how she cried that day in Hotel W, he wondered if she cried like this when it happened.

"Why?" thought DX angrily as he banged the back of his head against the wall. He cursed himself for not finding it out sooner.

"Why her? What had she done to deserve this?" yelled DX at nothing in particular. When he read the letter, he could feel her emotions...Her loneliness and confusion...Her guilt... She had nothing to be guilty for but there was no one that she could rely on back then. No one to tell her that it was not her fault.

She must have been scared out of her life. From the smudge and the sloppy handwriting, he could tell that she was trembling when she wrote it. She was probably crying as well.

For the first time in his life, he felt powerless. He was Du XiAn, a person who had everything and all the power money could buy, and yet, he was unable to give back her innocence.

Chapter end

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